


An Average Yullen Fanfic

by Ahaanzel



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Humor, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-18
Updated: 2012-03-18
Packaged: 2017-11-02 04:01:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/364747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ahaanzel/pseuds/Ahaanzel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Beansprout", neither questioning nor acknowledging, the nickname rolled off Kanda's lips pronounced just right to express disgusted wonder, reluctant curiosity and a heavy undertone of what-on-earth. Yep, somehow one word managed to cover that all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Average Yullen Fanfic

**Author's Note:**

> Because the latest exam session turned my brain into jelly.
> 
> Warnings: countless references to Japanese culture, language and religion, shounen-ai (Kanda/Allen, obviously), swearing and English being my second language ^.^.
> 
> YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

_(Maybe in the Black Order. Maybe for real.)_

**#1 Firstly**

 

Kanda couldn't really comprehend the _what_ or _how_ or _why_ , but the fact remained there was a grotesquely deformed creature standing right before his nervously twitching eyes.

He found the sight simply appalling – the creature's lithe, _petite_ form screamed of exasperated fragility and utter helplessness; its suspiciously feminine silhouette was repulsively curvy – those enormous hips were befitting middle-aged woman after delivery of her eleventh child, rather than barely sixteen-year-old boy; finally, its unnaturally long, slim limbs looked powerless and completely useless.

Strange voice in his head instructed him patiently that all those features were supposed to make the creature _cute_ and invoke fierce protectiveness in a one manly fellow such as Kanda himself – but if that had truly been a case, then they miserably failed.

But, digressions aside, the most disconnecting of all, Kanda noted somewhat offended and weirded out at the same time, were those silvery, sparkling, _glittering_ , _**shimmering**_ eyes spilled over a half of abomination's face which watery gaze was currently zooming in on the other exorcist's face.

In short, if it wasn't for the white hair and a curse mark on its face, matching the abomination with identity -

\- _“_ _ **Beansprout**_ _”_ neither questioning nor acknowledging, the nickname rolled off Kanda's lips pronounced just right to express disgusted wonder, reluctant curiosity and a heavy undertone of _what-the-fuck_. Yep, somehow one word managed to cover that all. -

\- would be next to impossible.

(As much as it pained him to give the fellow exorcist any credit, he refused to believe this teary, bleary something with questionable gender could be the annoying pest, who broke critical _before Kanda did._ )

Light breeze, oh so conveniently, caressed gently the creature'swhite strands and its ridiculously full lips curved in a charming smile. Or at least it intended to do so, since the end result reminded him strongly of _y_ _ūrei_ from the traditional Japanese horror stories.

Kanda carefully took a step back. To hell with the warrior's pride; in dealing with new life forms and unknown species self-preservation instincts came first.

“K... K-k-kanda-sama” the creature stuttered then in such a high-pitched voice it could bring coloratura soprano singer to shame, fiddling its fingers nervously and ducking its head shyly. “A-a-ano...”

Sadly, the smug satisfaction at being referred to with such honorific suffix by the Beansprout, who, prior to this moment, had failed to recognize his obvious superiority, was extremely short-lived, as he was struck by a horrific realization.

_Dear ten thousands gods in one grain of rice_ , Kanda's fearless heart suddenly overflowed with panic, the hyperventilating kind, and his palms became clammy, _he's not going to speak in Japanese, is he?_

After all, the way English native speakers – no offense – tended to butcher his native language was what the linguists' horrors were made of.

The sickeningly cheerful voice in his head snickered evilly -

_\- Oh, you bet he is._

And then, the creature attacked.

“Aishiteru!” was probably what it intended to screech, leaping into the other exorcist's unwilling arms and circling all four limbs around him, but the sound it emitted was a far, far away cry from said confession. The mispronounced word was twisted beyond any recognition, tortured, murdered and turned into something so astonishingly awful, it made Kanda's ears bleed, his soul weep and one most traumatic memory resurface – a memory of that one time, when general Tiedoll deemed it unacceptable for Kanda to not know his heritage and forced him to read all fifty-four scrolls of _Genji Monogatari_ in _**classic Japanese language**_.

“Get off me!” he snarled, quickly getting over his small existential crisis and back to his default annoyed anger, trying to shake the creature off his person, because sure as hell he didn't want this abomination anywhere near him, especially inside his private space, but to no avail – those helpless, _flimsy_ limbs were actually surprisingly strong, closing around him in a death grip.

“Kiss me” the creature demanded and puckered it's lipsticked, ridiculously full lips. Then, they started to grow, and grow, _and grow_ till they took up half of the abomination's face – or rather its remaining part which wasn't occupied by his _shining orbs_ yet – and Kanda's eyes widened in repulsed horror, as the abomination menacingly leaned in.

Kanda's skin crawled. The endless disgust at the mere prospect of that monstrosity of the lips making contact with any part of his face was so vivid it almost took his breath away.

“Get the fuck off me!” he trashed violently, now desperate to get away from the creature's deadly grasp, but its face was getting closer, and closer, and there was nothing left to do to escape the fate worse than death, and -

\- and with a long, suffering yell of protest, Kanda woke up.

For few minutes, he simply laid in the darkness, listening to the wind howling outside broken window.

“Namu Amida Butsu”, Kanda mumbled under his breath, not caring in the slightest it sounded just so theologically wrong coming from Zen practitioner, who also happened to be a member of the secret Catholic Church Organization.

Slowly getting back his grip on reality, he calmed his breath and strained nerves, repeating like a mantra _it was just a nightmare_. Realization that no grotesquely deformed beansprouts were going to molest him was most comforting, indeed.

That new-found comfort, though, very quickly morphed into confused anger.

“What the fuck was that?!” he snarled out loud, directing said question at no-one particular and burning two holes in the ceiling with intensity of his glare.

The ceiling impassively stared back, offering no answers.

His gaze unconsciously drifted to his lotus – the flower was floating inside the hourglass as indifferent as ever.

“Tch”, he concluded philosophically, throwing away blanket and reaching for his neatly folded uniform.

Although it was an ungodly early hour, even for his standards – and Kanda considered waking up at six am as sleeping in – he grabbed Mugen and set out to the training rooms. After all, nothing served better at clearing up his mind and improving his mood than physical fatigue.

And maybe some random snapping at innocent passers-by.

____________________________________________________________________

_(Later that morning, at less ungodly hour.)_

**#2 Secondly**

**  
**

“Say, Allen”, Lavi struck up a conversation, once they resumed their not-so-pleasant-anymore stroll to cafeteria with an additional presence of trembling Miranda. No sooner had they left the library, they ran into traumatized woman, in desperate need of a shoulder to cry on after being scared halfway to death by Kanda, who sent her a dirty look as a response to her _good_ _morning_ – and they simply couldn't leave without at least attempting to comfort her.

_Kanda_ , had Allen said, trying to calm her down, _didn't mean anything by that. And no, he's not going to kill you in your sleep. You see, Kanda is a big bad bully; that's true_ , he had reasoned then, rocking gently, like an oversized baby, bitterly sobbing Miranda, _but he's too antisocial to actually pick up on anyone._ Miranda had made a confused noise, so he had been obliged to elaborate. _That's because bullying is still some kind of social interaction. And since Kanda is so antisocial, he's simply unable to make that happen._

Lavi cleared his throat meaningfully, reminding Allen it wasn't exactly a good time for protagonist's retrospection. “Don't you think that today Yuu is even more of a jerk than usual?”

Allen mused for a moment.

Now that he thought about it... Miranda's breakdown didn't count, of course, since everyday occurrence should be considered a measurement error, but – Kanda's _tch-ing_ this morning did, in fact, seemed to echo throughout the Black Order's corridors awfully frequently. The number of extremely pissed off Finders – Kanda's favorite frustration take out targets – also appeared to be higher than usual.

\- As if on cue, from around the corner stormed a random Finder, white faced with fury and rudely brushed off Lavi's polite greeting in his hurry to get elsewhere. -

The obvious conclusion offered itself on a silver platter.

“Maybe Jerry ran out of soba, or... something”, Allen shrugged, though secretly curious too: what possibly could throw said exorcist out of his usual, ill-natured balance?

Lavi snickered, because the image was simply oh so hilarious. “Yeah, that would make Yuu lost it”, he agreed, smiling widely.

Allen laughed too, good-naturedly, if not with a tiniest little bit of a wicked glee.

Miranda merely sniffed, piteously.

And then, her eyes widened impossibly, as the moment of their shared, easy camaraderie came to a rapid end.

Because all of a sudden, as if someone had switched the Gothic horror climate on, the corridor was flooded by a wave of condensed darkness, the bone-chilling, turning off lanterns and street lights on its wake kind – Allen could swear the temperature dropped a few degrees. The atmosphere turned so tense that a mere sneeze would make it snap and break loose unspeakable terrors of the depths of hell, because around the corner came out none other than -

_( **Nobody** expects the Spanish Inquisition!)_

\- above mentioned, Kanda Yuu in his own, fuming darkly, person.

Miranda ran away, screaming bloody horror.

Kanda, though, hardly spared her any notice, for his gaze, proclaiming the finality of _I WILL kill_ _you_ with most disturbing morbid joy, instantly fell and focused on Lavi alone.

\- Who, drawing in a shaky breath, quickly ran his thoughts over everything he had said within the last five minutes. And nearly fainted, coming to realize that _holy crap_ , he _had_ just used Kanda's given name twice. All hope had been lost, since bullshitting his way out with the second personal pronoun excuse was out of question. The traitorous context was a dead giveaway that what he had on mind was _Yuu_ indeed – one syllable with a long vowel, which should be marked with a macron above a single _u_ , not by doubling the letter, like in this lousy transliteration _(sorry)_.

In one fluid, well-practiced motion Kanda unsheathed Mugen.

...Although it was a common knowledge that stepping in between Kanda and his prey was a suicidal thing to do, Allen really didn't want to witness petty bloodshed, with Lavi starring as a disemboweled victim. That's why, in an act of a great heroism, or maybe even greater foolishness (the debate is still open) Allen quickly leaped in front of his friend, hissing above his shoulder _run, you fool!_ , trying to seem more confident than he felt that he would take care of the murderous exorcist himself. Never mind _taking care_ part would supposedly entail invoking his Innocence as a key to his survival.

With tears of endless gratitude shinning in his eyes, Lavi hastily followed Miranda's example.

Left on the abandoned corridor with the bloodthirsty, demon incarnate Kanda, never before had Allen felt so alone.

But it wasn't a time for protagonist's introspection.

Allen desperately tried to come up with something offensive to say, but what he finally settled for was a rather unimaginative, default “Hey, Jerkanda!” - though, his voice's rudeness made up for the lack of creativity quite nicely – and he slowly turned to face Kanda, mentally steadying himself for either Mugen's hilt in his gut, or its blade shaving him bald, at last fulfilling said exorcist favorite threat, as Allen's self-sacrificing actions' immediate result.

What he didn't expect, though, was Kanda's _prince of darkness_ mode to rapidly turn off, his silhouette to tense and eyes widen in something akin to... - Allen stared disbelievingly – nah, that's impossible; but still, in something looking confusingly, _painfully_ similar to -

\- ...fear?

Allen blinked owlishly.

It didn't make any sense. It downright refused to make any sense. An idea of none other than Kanda, big, bad bully Kanda, _you-damn-cursed-weakling_ Kanda, for whatever reason, being afraid of _him_ was so laughably absurd he couldn't wrap his mind around it. And when he did try -

\- _Error. Lack of sense occurred. To prevent further damage, turn your mind off and on again, please and thank you_.

Meanwhile, whatever bizarre spell Kanda had been under, was lifted and as his fearful eyes turned psychotic the exorcist sprung into action.

Mugen fell on the floor, abandoned, as calloused palms roughly seized Allen's shoulders to keep the boy steady at the arms length. Fingers dug into younger exorcist's skin, as Kanda's feverish, borderline insane eyes shot up and down, painstakingly surveying every little detail of his face, arms and hips especially. Then, apparently still not satisfied, he let go of immobilized exorcist's shoulders and grabbed one of his limbs, dangling uselessly at his side, instead and proceed to feel it up for muscles.

Allen came back to his senses about the time Kanda had moved to grope his hips.

To say it freaked Allen out would be a misunderstanding – what he was feeling then gave that phrasal verb a whole new meaning.

“ _ **KANDA...? !**_ ” he shrilled, scandalized, trying to break free, what in turn lead to rather grotesque struggle. “What the _**fuck**_ are you doing?!”

\- Now, that would earn a collective gasp of surprise, had there been anyone to witness it, because Allen, being the good boy he was, never ever uttered a single curse word. That is, with exception of being around Kanda, since only said exorcist could smash his mask of false politeness, elbow his way through Allen's rich deposits' of angst and bring back, for the world to see and behold, otherwise dispalyed only while playing poker, young Walker's true dark, mean nature, smothered by all the trauma and Fourteen business.

(And for freeing his true self, just like that, Allen was too ashamed to admit, he couldn't help but – no, not _like_ , mind you! – feel a _positive emotion_ for Kanda, but of what kind it was he wasn't going to dwell. Period.)

Kanda's not-quite-sane, smoldering gaze traced along his lips. Only then Allen realized just how close the other exorcist had got – black hair tickled side of his face – and baffled by the closeness, ceased his struggles. His pale cheeks suddenly felt hot with embarrassed confusion, and when Kanda, still not offering any explanation, looked up to critically study his eyes, something churned in his stomach – and _ha!_ , he knew yesterday's fish did taste funny – and it was so strange, so _weird_ , he would have almost preferred Mugen's hilt in his gut.

Kanda's ever-present scowl lessened a bit. His lips curved in a wicked grin, as he rudely shoved Allen away.

“Not flimsy”, he remarked then, oddly pleased with said discovery, his previous psychotic, murderous tension quickly evaporating. “Tch”, he added for a better measure, and back at peace with the whole, wide world, back in his ill-natured balance, after sheathing his Mugen, he set off to some unknown destination. As if nothing strange had ever happened.

Dumbstruck, Allen followed with his gaze the retreating exorcist.

“Huh?”

\- It still refused to make any sense.

__________________________________________________________________

_(Few days later, when least expected)_

**#3 And then**

 

“SURPRISE!”

Interrupted, Kanda and Allen glared in unison at the fool, who dared to butt in, just when they had been about one insult away from strangling each other. For they had a nice, satisfying argument going, which had been started the moment they had courteously exchanged greetings, passing by each other on the corridor – respectively, Kanda's _Beansprout_ and Allen's _Jerkanda_ – and then, as always, it spiraled out of control.

The fool in question shrunk in fear, undoubtedly suddenly regretting existing in this particular point in the space-time, as two bloodthirsty demons turned their combined glares' full force at her person. Though as soon as initial horror wore off slightly and having realized she managed to catch Allen's attention, she quickly regained her self-assurance and her lips curved in sickeningly sweet, if not a bit quivery, smile.

Although the real question was why this person wasn't going away, what Kanda asked instead was “Who the fuck are you?” phrasing his confusion in the usual, blunt and vulgar way of his.

\- And scowled, because he was being blatantly ignored in favor of that stupid Beansprout, to whom the unknown person was currently making sweet eyes to.

“It's me...” she whispered huskily and her cheeks blossomed in oh so adorable blush.

Annoyed by her bloody stupid answer (really, _me_ was like a variable x in equations – it could mean bloody _anything_ ), with a dismissive _tch_ , Kanda turned back to his fellow exorcist, ready to continue their argument with _and you're a lacking chain in evolution between beansprout and a human, dipshit!_ \- only to find, to his utmost displeasure, that Allen's attention was still focused on the girl.

“Lou... Fa...?” Allen hazarded, and the girl's face light up like a light-bulb.

\- Wait, the Black Order's usage of advanced technology aside, had the light-bulb been officially invented yet? -

“You remember me!” she squealed in obvious delight.

Kanda had never heard of this _Lou Fa_ person before, and neither did he care, but since she didn't seem keen on going away anytime soon, he gave her a critical once over.

There was something off about her; she gave away a vibe of total and utter OOC-ness. Nothing looked right – for some reason those black hair curving down her back would appear much more natural confined in two braids; scandalously red lipstick seemed to question its own presence on the girl's lips; also, her shirt's top buttons, left open to emphasize her rather unimpressive, Kanda nodded, bosom, would probably prefer to be done.

Judging by Beansprout's expression, pretty well imitating scandalized fish taken out of water, Kanda's impression hit it very close to the mark.

(What both exorcists didn't know, was that shortly before Lou Fa's departure, Fou, who was fed up with people's idiocy – commonly known as unrequited love – had given the young scientist a prep talk of her life, concerning seizing one's happiness and cuties like Walker not staying single forever; hence this new, brainwashed version of Lou Fa.)

“I just got transferred from Asian Branch”, she hastily explained and if the flap of butterfly's wings could cause a hurricane, then he didn't want to know what natural disaster her fluttering eyelashes could have been responsible for. “And I thought”, she shuffled her feet shyly and looked up coyly through her bangs at the Beansprout, who did a lousy job hiding just how much it apparently was freaking him out “that maybe you could... _show me around?_ ” the way she pronounced those words suggested she had something quite different on mind.

Kanda's scowl deepened.

“I... Uhm...” Kanda could tell the stupid Bean was aching to say _**no**_ , but before he could politely refuse – damn that gentlemanly facade he always put on – the girl had already latched onto his arm. “Uh...” he glanced at his fellow exorcist, clearly uncomfortable, as long, pointed nails dug possessively into black fabric of his uniform.

Kanda, though, had no problems voicing out his protest and he strongly disapproved of stealing the Beansprout away from him, especially when he wasn't done with him yet. “Oi, 'sprout-!”

“Oh, thank you SO MUCH, you're the only person I know in Central!” she hastily drowned Kanda's voice with her headache-inducing giggles and dragged the young exorcist away.

\- All the while, treating Kanda like a dusty piece of furniture.

______________________________________________________

_(So-called psychology of envy states that the thing desired by many is what one yearns for the most. But then again, in this alternative version of nineteenth century a certain Austrian neurologist hadn't come up with the iceberg metaphor yet.)_

**#4 As the story unfolded**

 

Right then and there, in the middle of the crowded cafeteria, Kanda was one braincell away from going on a killing spree. Crimson haze glossed over his vision and Mugen sang its desire for _Lou Fa_ 's blood.

_It's not like he cared_ , mind you. It just annoyed the living hell out of him that for the last few days wherever that stupid Beansprout went, a certain _Lou_ _Fa_ was sure to follow and attempt to choke him by thrusting her still unimpressive breasts into his face. That... _woman_ was constantly stalking him, like an adoring puppy demanding constant attention, with her constant chatter spiced with constant innuendo, which, Kanda could tell, was clearly unappreciated, given every time he saw Allen, the Beansprout looked more and more like a shunned game fowl with aching teeth.

But of course, for the sake of keeping that gentlemanly facade, that damn cursed brat couldn't simply tell her off, because that would hurt her feelings. Kanda, on the other hand, didn't give a shit about other people's – and Lou Fa's especially – feelings and more than once, in unnatural rush of mercy of unknown origin, was sorely tempted to offer the younger exorcist his assistance in getting rid, preferably permanently, of that outrageous, flirtatious pest. But then again, _**he didn't care**_ , so he kept his mouth shut. Even when Lou Fa had the audacity to interrupt their training, insisting on dragging the Bean away for one stupid reason or another, just when Kanda was going to corner him, pin underneath him, and force to admit his surrender to Kanda's obvious domination, er... _superiority_ , yes that was the word he was going to use.

Still, it paled in comparison with Lou Fa's most recent atrocity and this time he wasn't going to let it slide.

The crowd of Finders hastily parted to make way, as Kanda, gripping his tray with soba so tightly his knuckles turned white, stormed to his usual table, to his usual chair currently occupied by _Lou Fa_ , shamelessly sprawled on it and acting as if her palm, stroking obviously distressed Beansprout's thing, rested there only by accident, of course. Blushing Lenalee, sitting across from Allen, was busy pretending she didn't notice the scientist's scandalizing behavior, not befitting _at all_ for a young lady in nineteenth century. Lavi, on the other hand, was torn between sympathy for his fellow exorcist, and amusement at Lou Fa's amorous advances.

And Kanda, personally, _didn't care_. Honestly, _he didn't_. He repeated it few more times, looming darkly behind unsuspecting scientist and **not** fantasizing about grabbing that accursed palm and breaking Lou Fa's fingers. One. By. One.

Lou Fa must have felt his ominous presence, for she suddenly choked on her peal of laughter and the molestation of Allen's leg came to a rapid end.

“H-h-h... How c-can I... Help you?” she stuttered, her boldness quickly evaporating to make room rapidly increasing sense of dread, as she twisted in her seat to find a sinister, dark shadow hovering above her and firing her with a deadly glare of doom. “Sir!” Lou Fa hastily added, noting his exorcist's uniform.

...General Froi Tiedoll used to say that Kanda, whose heritage was fine, sophisticated culture of Heian period, praising _lacrime rerum_ of cherry blossom's petal falling gently on the water's surface, which reflected fool moon's light... – that, Kanda, with such heritage, rather than being harsh and straightforward, should cherish more the fleeting beauty closed in gentle words tied together by refined metaphor. With that on mind, how do you suppose, what Kanda could possibly have said to make Lou Fa realize she was sitting on rightfully his chair and hence that she ought to move somewhere else? What words could he have used to enlighten her, carefully constructing a meaningful, poetic image, preferably in a form of classic _tanka_ , and turning subject's emotions into object's features as the linguistic tabu dictated? Or maybe more contemporary, in seventeen syllables of _haiku_ , living and grasping the present moment to its fullest, though mindful of necessary usage of _kireji_ and _kigo_ , a word or phrase referring to current season?

In short, what did Kanda say?

“Move it, woman. That's my seat.”

Cherry blossom's petals were all blown away by a gust of Kanda's rudeness.

“Huh...?” Lou Fa blinked few times behind her thick glasses. It seemed she had some serious problems comprehending the exorcist's demand.

Allen quickly shook her palm off his thing.

“Do you really want me to repeat myself?” Kanda's permanent scowl deepened. Something about the way he pronounced those words – deadpan, yet with mocking disbelief – strongly suggested answering with _no, of course not!_.

(Lavi and Lenalee stared at Kanda silently in slack-jawed amazement.)

Unfortunately for the sanity of everyone involved, Fou's teachings-inducted OOC-effect was stronger than better judgment and self-preservation instinct, combined.

“I don't see your name on it” she said, albeit a bit hesitantly, as if reading from the script a line she doubted had really belonged to her. “Sir.”

Kanda shot her incredulous look – one that made people double-check whether they had sprung a second head without them knowing – and swiftly pointed at the chair's back. There, engraved with Mugen once upon a time in the dead of the night, was a very noticeable 神田, as well as kindly transliterated _'Kanda'_ , for all of the Black Order's non kanji users.

Lou Fa bugged her eyes out.

Lavi coughed, meaningfully.

“Oh, I see”, she mumbled weakly, staring, stupefied, at the characters. Left with no other choice but to accept the harsh reality, she grabbed her tray and casting one, wistful look back at Allen, obediently walked away.

Kanda _tch-ed_ , somewhat triumphant, putting his soba on the table with a little more force than necessary and finally claiming his place. And although he snorted in response, Allen's mouthed _thank you_ , too exhausted to question where the rescue had come from, tickled his ego in just the right way.

The victory, as it turned out soon enough though, was a short-lived one, for Lou Fa was quick to claim another still available seat, right in front of Allen's – to said exorcist's utter horror.

Kanda gritted his teeth.

_The game was still on._

“So!” stated Lenalee, her bright smile a bit forced, once the silence which settled over their table turned oppressive “Lavi, you were saying...?” he inquired politely, shooting her friend a meaningful look.

“Ah, right!” Lavi graciously picked up. “It occurred to me lately. 'Akuma' is a Japanese term right?” Lavi turned to face scowling Kanda.

He grunted his affirmative, barely having registered the question. He separated his chopsticks – a wonder of wonders they didn't end their existence in an eruption of splinters –

\- next to him, the Beansprout was stuffing himself with food at frightening peace, desperately avoiding Lou Fa's admiring glances, lingering on the places where, in Kanda's humble opinion at least, they most certainly shouldn't -

\- and imagined gouging the scientist's eyes with them.

But he **didn't care**. Seriously, _he didn't_.

“And I thought -”

“Allen, could you pass me the salt, please?” Lou Fa injected with sickeningly sweet smile plastered to her face. How the Beansprout, who for this past few days was constantly subjected to said smile, hadn't got cavities yet was a great mystery, indeed.

(Kanda, personally, detested sweet stuff – but it's not like it was his place to reflect on that, because, once again, he _**didn't care**_.)

His nostrils flared, dangerously.

“- since we are all speaking in English here, why do we keep on using Japanese term? Why not some English equivalent?” Lavi's voice buzzed somewhere in the background. “Any thoughts, Lenalee?”

Her answer, if there even was any, melted into the white noise of crowded cafeteria, because Kanda's sharp focus narrowed to the scene displaying before him.

In slow motion, blushing Lou Fa parted her lips seductively, lipstick in scandalous shade of red, and reached for the offered saltcellar. Sweet smile turned calculative, as she made sure to brush her fingers oh so innocently against the Beansprout's.

Kanda felt his blood pressure rise.

The oppressed Beansprout whined in despair, when that flirtatious pest ran her knuckle over the back of his palm.

_**He. Didn't. Care**_.

Muted, as if coming from behind a thick, glass wall, a question was asked, “And what do you think, Yuu?”

Kanda's vision glossed over with crimson haze.

“I DON'T GIVE A FLYING SHIT ABOUT IT!”

And the whole world, all at once, came back into focus, as he realized the background noise of the crowded cafeteria had rapidly fallen questionably silent.

...Shit, he said that out loud, didn't he?

Few, quick glances provided affirmative answer, for wherever he turned, he was greeted with a sight of numerous forks frozen halfway to the mouths and faces raising to stare at him in muted shock. Had Kanda been capable of feeling any, let's call it, _social shame_ , he would had been embarrassed by his outburst – but since it was a completely foreign concept for him, he settled for shooting everyone a glare of _mind your own fucking business_ and snarled “And don't call me Yuu” addressed to Lavi.

Everyone deemed it wise to obey.

 

**. . .**

Next few minutes passed in relative peace. Lenalee managed to engage Lou Fa in conversation, for once taking that accursed scientist's attention off the Beansprout, who visibly relaxed thanks to said development. Life was looking up – Kanda was almost able to enjoy his soba, having nearly convinced himself Lou Fa's flirtatious atrocities were merely a projection of someone's _(probably the author's)_ sick mind and had never really taken place -

\- until they took place again.

With a startled yelp, Allen jumped in his seat, flustered.

“Are you alright, Allen?” Lenalee was quick to inquire, concerned for her friend's well-being.

The Beansprout gave her very unconvincing, strained smile.

Kanda frowned, nasty suspicion blooming luxuriant in his mind.

“Quite alright, thank you” was Allen's ever polite answer.

Lou Fa giggled deviously.

“Are you sure?” Lenalee raised a doubtful eyebrow.

Allen's pale cheeks turned scarlet. “Positive”, he chocked and discretely moved his chair a bit closer to Kanda.

One look at distressed Beansprout's tense form ( _why, oh_ why _couldn't that dimwit simply tell the woman off?_ ), quick survey at the way the obscene creature – otherwise known as Lou Fa – was slouching in her chair and a peek under the table confirmed his suspicion.

_Someone_ tried to stick her foot where it didn't belong.

For the third time that day, Kanda's vision glossed over with the crimson haze.

He didn't care, -

\- Allen, whose face was now adored with a pained expression, moved his chair even closer -

\- _**it just pissed him off**_.

...Once upon a time, there was one horny bastard with apparent death wish, who tried to pull the same shit on Kanda. But Kanda, being the subtle, gracious person he was, made sure that above mentioned bastard's delusional crush, as well as any hypothetical, future advances, ceased to exist the moment he broke his leg open in three places. (Much to the doctors', who later attended to the subject of exorcist's rejection, astonished dismay, for they hadn't believed inflicting such injury was even possible.)

Unfortunately, he regretted to admit, Lou Fa _is_ a woman, so violent solutions were, sadly, out of the question. That's why, in a sudden rush of creativity –

“That's my leg, woman”, he deadpanned, instead.

Lavi, having realized what really had been going on _below_ , burst out laughing.

Lou Fa's eyes widened in disbelieving terror and scarlet flooded her face, as she hastily, in shock of embarrassment, shot up straight in her chair. “Oh...! Ohmygod, I'msosorrysir - !” thick mask of OOC finally started to crack, with each frantic apologize she kept on piling up, one after another, close to hyperventilating.

Kanda ignored her.

His attention was focused on a certain Beansprout, who in desperate attempt to escape Lou Fa's feet's range have moved so close that now was almost sitting on Kanda's lap and looking up at him in surprise – it was unlikely of ill-natured exorcist to come to rescue just out of his heart's kindness, after all. Unsaid question fell heavily between them, but Kanda didn't feel like explaining this mix of intense emotions, nor nearly overwhelming urge to smash something into tiny little peaces at a mere thought of catching the Bean in compromising position with _anyone_ , oddly enough excluding Kanda himself – so he merely offered his default _tch_ , hoping to get the 'sprouts mind out of the gutter.

Still, some part of what he didn't intend to let on must have shown in his unusually expressive frown anyway, for _something_ strange have passed between them – though what it was exactly Kanda didn't know and, giving perplexed confusion painted on that stupid Bean's face, neither did he.

Lou Fa, however, recognized it instantly and apparently it wasn't to her liking. Her eyes narrowed and she aggressively cleared her throat. How clearing one's throat might be aggressive is a bit unclear, but she somehow managed to pull that out.

**And it was then** – then, the scientist delivered her final blow, _the last straw have fallen_ , and Lavi whistled, wide-eyed, at the offer's so painfully obvious undertone that scandalized Lenalee, who dropped her fork and Allen's face drained of what little color had there been in the first place, and Kanda... -

“Allen, would you come to my room with me? There's something I'd like to... _show you_.”

And Kanda saw red yet again.

_____________________________________________________

_(Kanda's gaze is glossing over with the crimson blah blah blah rather frequently, is it not?)_

**#5 And neared its conclusion**

 

THAT WAS FUCKING _IT_.

Maybe Kanda couldn't pinpoint what exactly 'it' entailed, but he damn sure knew one when he saw it. And _that_ was a shiny, extremely ostentatious example of _it_.

In the last flicker of fading reason and conscious thought, Kanda's fingers closed over the Beansprout's wrist, hard enough to leave bruises, instead of Mugen's hilt, or just going straight for Lou Fa's throat.

“Beansprout, we're going”, he ordered sharply, abruptly standing up, his half-eaten soba and abused chopsticks forgotten. He dragged his fellow exorcist off his chair, pointedly ignoring his rather unintelligent reply of _huh?_ , quickly followed by more sensible _where to?_ , and accompanied by Lenalee's unidentified sound of general confusion, Lavi's failed attempts to ask at least three questions at the same time, and Lou Fa's fierce brawl of protest – all of which, by the way, were also ignored – and proceed to pull Allen after him, storming his way through the cafeteria. People wisely adverted their curious gazes, taking the hint of Kanda's deadly glares left and right, offering his services in gouging their eyeballs out of their sockets, should they fail to mind their own business.

“But I haven't finished my lunch yet!” whined the Bean when they neared the door, and tried to delicately free his wrist, but Kanda wouldn't have any of that. He tightened his grip even more and pulled the younger exorcist close, so he could snarl right into his face -

“Do I look like a give a shit?”

He didn't, Allen had to give him that.

They were hurrying down the corridor – or rather, it was Kanda who was hurrying, while Allen merely tried to keep up – and where to, even Kanda himself wasn't sure yet – when agitated, short of breath Lou Fa managed to catch up with them.

“Where are you... taking him...? !” she demanded an answer breathlessly, trotting behind them and attempting to look menacingly.

Kanda was hardly impressed.

“W... Well...?” she panted, clutching her side.

Kanda frowned and tugged on Allen's wrist even harder – the exorcist let out a startled yelp – and hastened his strides, to the scientist's despaired whine.

Realizing she's not likely to get any reply from this source, Lou Fa turned to Allen, in split second her would be a frown, had she not been so exhausted, morphing into would be a seductive smile, had she any energy left to make her facial muscles work.

“O...Oh, Allen... You've... never... answered... my... question...” she whizzed, her other hand coming up to massage her chest.

“Hell **NO** ”, snarled Kanda, before Allen could even open his mouth and coerce his vocal chords to produce another pathetic _uh_ , or _um_ of an answer, which would annoy him even further. Supposing, attaining that was possible.

“I... don't... recall... asking... your... opinion... on... the... matter...” Lou Fa was slowly turning blue.

“Kanda, I think Lou Fa requires some urgent medical attention -”

“Me neither, but I graciously gave it _anyway_ ” sarcasm in Kanda's voice liquefied in the air. That said, he threw open the closest door to some random room and pushed Allen inside. “Now do us a favor and dispose yourself” he glared at the whizzing scientist sternly, to ensure the meaning of his words did, in fact, sink in, and then shut the door.

Some indescribable sense of finality about the _click_ of a key turning in a lock reminded them there was escape from the story's conclusion.

“Kanda...?” Allen's hesitant inquiry carefully probed the exorcist's murderous aura, pierced through many layers of blood-boiling anger and fingers curling around Mugen's hilt in irritation, and something else he didn't want to name just yet, eventually to be registered by the inquiry's addressee.

Kanda turned around slowly, his dark gaze falling on Allen, who looked quite... uncertain, standing by the wall, confusion written all over his face – and as fucking oblivious as always; a lone thought had not even crossed his mind what a mess the proud exorcist had been reduced into during those past few days. And it was his fault, one way or another, he was the one to blame and beat into bloody pulp, Kanda knew, and yet –

– the realization came as abruptly, as deeply meditating pupil gained enlightenment when suddenly hit on the forehead by his master's fan – Allen flinched, when Kanda's smouldering gaze slid down the curse mark on his face –

– at the same time, he was painfully aware, should some other fucker appear and throw himself all over the stupid Bean, he would snatch the 'sprout back from the slimy bastard's grip and, so help him, there would be a neck broken... -

“Shut up”, he hissed, stalking closer to the younger exorcist and backing him into the wall. Not caring about Beansprout's eyes widening in panic, nor the furious pounding to the door, for it all seemed insignificant to his somewhat offended astonishment that without him knowing his personal space extended to include the Bean's one as well, and invading it would most likely result in blood being spilled... - _ahem_ , still not caring about aforementioned circumstances, he fisted his palm in the Beansprout's white strands. Then, causing centuries long tradition of carefully composed love letters, skilfully written with brush's gentle strokes, to facepalm in exasperation, from the bottom of his heart Kanda confessed “Gods, how I hate you” yanked Allen's head closer and meshed their lips in a kiss.

(For the life of him Kanda couldn't fathom what possessed him to do this – though, supposing it had everything to do with a strange voice in his head, hissing  _your heritage is also frivolous culture of Edo period, so quit being prude_ , alternatively  _just do it, damn it!_ , or more threateningly  _kiss him, or I'll pair you up with Chaoiji_ , would be an accurate guess;  _I guess_ .)

Because Kanda had neither the right personality, nor patience to deal with such nonsense as unrequited feelings, he was prepared to bully the Beansprout into accepting his, cough, _affections_. But the mysterious will of the universe scratched the back of Allen's mind with its almighty nail, and thus that, instead of expected violent trashing and invoked Crown Clown clawing at Kanda's face, the younger exorcist actually reciprocated – his right hand coming up to fiddle with Kanda's ponytail, and slightly chapped lips parting obediently, coaxed by the other exorcist's insistent ones.

“Kanda?” Allen asked some time later, once they parted, getting his breathing more or less under control. When he stood like that in Kanda's not-exactly-tender embrace, looking up at him expectantly, his moist lips as red as his flushed cheeks, he was a half less annoying than usual. “Care to explain...?”

_Tch, as if._

“ **No** ”, with that as his final answer, Kanda leaned in for another kiss.

_________________________________________________________

_(Some time and one giant hickey on Allen's neck later)_

**#6 A happily ever after**

**  
**

“So”, Allen stated, after clearing his throat, his rather awkward monologue finally reaching its conclusion “As you can see, the thing is -”

“Just fucking say it already”, Kanda injected impatiently, apparently annoyed. He was hovering behind Allen, his arms folded and displeasure evident, as his eyes narrowed at the lone, petrified figure sitting in a chair in front of the younger exorcist.

“Go commit a _harakiri_ or something”, Allen snapped, snarling over his shoulder.

Kanda snorted. “It's _seppuku_ , you idiot.”

“- As I was saying”, Allen ignored him, turning back to a trembling Lou Fa. Apparently, she was shocked back into, and probably even beyond, character, for her immobilized form and untouched tea cooling in her shaky hands spoke loudly of the trauma she was suffering due to the latest revelation. “Since Kanda and I, we are... er...” he cleared his throat once more, unsure how to phrase it “in relationship -”

Lou Fa's blank, unblinking stare from behind her thick glasses, focused on the monstrosity of a hickey on his neck – tracing its contour, contemplating its color, then rising to look at Kanda's lips and turning out of focus – was most unnerving.

“- we would appreciate it -” Allen made it to adjust his collar, uncomfortable under such intensive scrutiny, but Kanda quickly swatted his palm away.

“Leave it, it's supposed to be visible”, there was this pleased, asshole-ish smirk on Kanda's face when he said that, Allen was sure.

Lou Fa's eyelid twitched horribly.

“ANYWAY”, Allen pressed, determined to get this one-sided conversation over with, without dwelling on Kanda's abuse on his neck. It was bad enough – he felt blood rushing on his cheeks in a shameful red – he could still feel the exorcist's lips on his skin and... Right, no dwelling. “We would appreciate it, if you'd be so kind and -”

“- back off, bitch.”

Lou Fa sniffed.

“You didn't have to be so harsh”, Allen hissed his disapproval at Kanda's injected strong dislike of sugarcoated words. Matters such as this one, after all, were very delicate and should be dealt with carefully.

“Tch”, Kanda shrugged. “She wouldn't get it otherwise.”

“I don't understand” Lou Fa wailed, hiding her face in her lace rimmed handkerchief and totally ruining her make up in process. She let go of her cup at some point and now it laid shattered in a small pound of spilled tea; Allen wondered briefly, whether it would leave a stain. “Didn't general Cross call me your woman, when you returned from the Ark?”

Why was it so ridiculously difficult? “You tell her”, he sighed tiredly. It's not like he was going to admit it anytime soon, _or even_ , but maybe just once Kanda was right.

Kanda snorted, though surprisingly enough, complied.

“Honestly, woman. What Cross Marian tends to say varies between half truth and plain bullshit.”

“B-but”, Lou Fa hiccupped, insistent in her misery, frantically looking for something to say that would warp reality to suit her despaired denial.

“No buts”, Kanda stated with the air of absolute, uncontested finality. “Let's go, 'sprout”, he grabbed Allen's arm then, making a face at the scientist's wailing fit starting anew.

“Wait!” Lou Fa lashed out, grabbing Allen's shoulders and staring at him with bloodshot, psychotic eyes. “Just, tell me this one, please. If you had never met him -”

_'Him'_ apparently was fed up with this drama, for he pried the scientist's fingers off Allen and then “Hate to break it up on you, but no amount of what-ifs will change the fact I was the first Black Order's member, who tried to cut his head open” he retorted, voice thick with irritation overload. “Now, _let's go_ , Bean.”

And so they left the traumatized scientist and went somewhere – but where exactly, and what they did once they got there, is whole different story.

...And Kanda never dreamed of deformed Beansprouts again.


End file.
